Blaah!

On Monday 12-28 I still hadn't gottten the results of my MRI back from the previous week, so I called my surgeon's office to ask about it. The nurse said she didn't have them back yet, but there was a note in the computer that my doc wanted to see me today or tomorrow. I said today would work best since tomorrow am I was scheduled to go get my tattoos to start radiation. So she squeezed me in that afternoon- I questioned if I should even come if they don't have the results back yet and she said she was going to call the Omaha hospital right now and get it.
My phone was dying becuase I was rockin out all morning to music on my phone but I tried several times to get a hold fo my mom to let her know. She was off work for the week, I didn't expect her to drive all the way over to SC for the appt as I didn't suspect anything serious, but I didn't want her to not come because she didn't know- so I made sure I left a couple messages so she would be informed.
When the doc came in the room as I sat there still in my coat because I was pretty sure I was going to be walking out in a few minutes, he started the small talk and whatnot. Then asks where my mom is because she's never missed an appt. I told him we've had a lot of alone time lately so I figured she was screening my calls, "consider yourself informed" I said on her voicemail.
So then he lays it on me, Yah, I have cancer. Same spot, but bigger. Isn't that the point of chemo? I couldn't even cry because I don't think I believed it. I know he talked a lot but I think I must have blacked out at that point because I really dont' remember a lot of what he said. He recommended a mastectomy as continuing with "breast conservation" (ie. lumpectomy) was not an option- there were several areas that were "of concern". I was like, are you sure it's cancer? He said there was no way to know for sure until it's taken out- he offered to have another biopsy done on these areas but considering the high risk I already have for reoccurance his recommendation was to slice it off. He also suggested this because when we first started talking surgery on my first lumpectomy, I was on the fence if I should just do a mastectomy and be done with it all. Even if I did the biopsy, the parts that they test could be negative, although there is still cancer all around it in several spots. I don't remember a lot- I think he said he was taking out 4 more lymphnodes for study. I told him I couldn't even cry because I was just pissed off!
I agreed to do the mastectomy and we got it scheduled. About a minute after he left the room, my mom's friend Kay, who works in the office, walked in and I just started balling! I told her it was cancer, I thought maybe my doc went and got her since he was concerned that I was there alone and he knows our relationship with Kay as we stop in to talk to her at each appointment.
He sent me to hospital for an ultrasound on my leg since it was ginormous again- and since my phone was dead, Kay called my mom and told her I was on my way to the hospital but to drive carefully and I'd meet her there- not mentioning anything about the cancer.
As soon as I left the office, I called Kim on what little cell phone battery I had left- she didn't answer. So I remembered Chris was off that day- called him to pick me up at my house and take me to the hospital- I've never left the hospital after having a blood clot checked out, so I figured I should get my car home first if possible. I told him my news on the phone and said I'd meet him at my house.
When I got home Kim was home but I couldn't even say it...Chris came a few minutes later and I was a mess! Kim was wanting to know what was going on so I told Chris to tell her. I medicated myself to calm down a bit and Chris just hugged me as I did the "why me?" routine.
We got to the hospital and mom was just getting there. I wanted to tell her right away because I knew it was written all over my face. I walked into the lobby and told her to follow me back outside and she did. I told her and her face was just blank for a while- I was starting to wonder if she heard me...but she did.
Blood Clot apparently is an old one and no one really cared so I got to go home.