First Chemo

I slept horribly last night- not even the ambien helped. On the way to the Cancer Center I started getting really nervous and worked up again so I needed to give it one last good cry before walking through the door. My mom said to me "you need to tell me what you want. I don't know what to do either so you need to tell me if I'm doing too much or not enough." I'm not really good asking for help but I'm really good at yelling at people when enough is enough :) I really didn't even know what to expect out of this. Steph and I had watched a documentary of a lady going through chemo and radiation for breast cancer and one phrase that she said during the movie was referring to her own mother who had been with her thorugh the entire treatment. She said "may I never know the pain of having a child who has cancer..." I couldn't imagine- sometimes I think its easier to go through it because I know I'm going to be ok- it totally sucks but I'll be ok. Only I know what I can handle and what I can't handle, and this I can handle. Never said I was happy about it though! :)
After sitting in the cancer center for 2 1/2 hours I was sent home sans chemo because they were backed up and "ran out of time" and the lady who delivered the news was less than friendly about it. My mom and sister were with me. I was like R U KIDDING ME?? It was already 3:15 and I was being sent home because the chemo takes at least 3 hours and they stop working at 5:30- I wish I could just stop working at 5:30! So now I have to psych my self up to walk in that door again on Monday, which means every Monday for three weeks- unplanned.
Steph had met with the social worker ther earlier in the week about different kinds of help that I might qualify for. But since I have a job and I make more than $150 a month, I'm not eligible for any of it. The nice lady gave me some cool stuff to keep my bills organized and a set of necklaces that spell out JOURNEY, that I'm supposed to give to my close friend and family who will be with me on the 'journey'- yep, started balling again. Never gave them out either, the thought was there but seems like a lot of effort that I don't have right now!