More decisions to make

Today I met with my medical oncologist Dr. Doodlebop, Mom and Amy came along. We went through the results of the PETscan, which was pretty much the coolest thing I've ever seen!
DD (Dr. Doodlebop we'll call him) started out by saying that I'm in a very unique situation, and on and on, kind of stuttering over his words as he was holding the lab report from the PETscan. I was just staring at him wide eyed because I was now starting to think something was seriously the matter. He said there was still a lot of swelling from the lumpectomy that was showing on the scan, and also that near my neck area there was a lot of activity, which lights up the screen, but that was normal. He also explained that there are small black spots on my lungs, which I was now expecting him to tell me I had some kind of lung cancer- I was honestly shitting my pants by this point. I had to be near passing out, I could only hear my heart pounding and I was bright red- I could see the words on his paper "lung...leasion" How the hell was I going to have lung cancer? I can not put into words how much I hate smoke, how I avoid it, certain resturants I avoid because the smell was so bad- but now I was thinking he was going to tell me I had lung cancer. FInally, after what seemed like an hour he told me they considered the scan to be negative- although the swelling from the lumpectomy lit up as though a cancer would, it was just the swelling lighting up, not cancer. I felt spent after that, I didn't know how bad it could get until that point when I thought it was possible that I had more cancer, more serious cancer.

He showed me the scan on the computer monitor, it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. It was like looking at a skinned pig- you could see all the fibers in the muscles as he started near my theighs and scrolled up my body on the computer monitor. You could see all my organs, and lack of one kidney. The craziest part was that you could see one small spot lit up in my ovary. He asked me when my last period was, which was two days after I had the scan done. He explained that it was an egg, which is normal to show that bright close to my period. Holy Crap!

We discussed the details of additional surgery for the lymphnodes that may need to be removed, fertility after all this is said and done, chemo schedule, possiblility of needing to remove the ovaries (so I need to hurry and have some babies I guess) as a preventative measure as breast cancer and ovarian cancer are closely linked. We didn't have the results back yet for the BRCA tests, which was going to make my decision to have a mastectomy so much easier, but we still discussed it. I told the doctor that I wasn't opposed to it if it increased my chances of never having to deal with this BS again. He told me that I seemed to be very calm today (which is a far cry from how I had been on our last visit)- I'm not really sure what my problem was, I think I was just pissed off at the world today. I wasn't sad anymore, just mad that I had to deal with this when all things (age, pre-menopause, no family history) pointed towards "no". I was feeling pretty confident when I left his office that I wanted to be overly aggressive treating the cancer and that I was probably going to be having a mastectomy. I thought I had my mind made up until...