The Awesome-ness continues...

I had a check up today as it is my 'week off' chemo and had all my labs done to make sure all is still going well, and it is! Everything is completely "normal", which begs the question- Is this even working? The nurse explained that the chemo kills good cells and bad cells becausae it can't tell the difference, but my good cells don't seem to be murdered by the chemo. Apparently my chemo is smarter than the average chemo? I'll be questioning the doc again on this next week since today I just saw a nurse.
The highlight of the visit was when I stepped on the scale the digital reader completely blanked out and turned all black! "What? OMG!" I was freaking out- I feel like a pregnant octo-mom carrying an additional 26 lbs since beginning chemo 8 weeks ago but I didn't think I needed a flat bed scale yet! The nurse just laughed, apparently she had just turned it on when I stepped on. Or she was just trying to make me feel better...but then the stupid thing started working and I've only gained one pound this week.
I developed a nasty rash in the bends of my elbows, or as I like to call it, the crotch of my elbows. It came on Monday and got worse through the week, doesn't hurt, doesn't itch- just very red and gross looking. When they drew blood I didn't even feel the poke. The nurse asked my Doc Doodlebop to come in and take a look. When he walked in he said "it came back?" He remembered! I got this same rash on the first day of my last round of chemo (Round (noun)- each set of four weeks I have chemo; three weeks chemo, one week off) while I was getting chemo. After just a couple days it turned to looking like a curling iron burn and flaked off leaving no scarring or anything behind. It was gone by the time I had seen him again but he was thinking it was some kind of allergic reaction to the chemo. Not too big of a deal since my throat didn't close and kill me but I now have a steroid cream (oh, i love steroids! They're making me nice and plump :( -
I'm feeling awesome this week! I was up after 10 pm two nights! Far later than the usual 8:30 I start heading to bed.

A lady at work gave me a card about a month ago that said "Each day of your recovery deserves a trophy". Today I could have used that trophy. Nothing happened, nothing didn't happen, I'm just ready to have my own life back!
Chemo on Friday was normal as usual. Saturday morning woke up feeling ok but knew if I didn't get my butt to the store to get groceries, I would be ordering out all weekend because I wouldn't work up the energy to go. That's the last thing I need now that I'm sporting an extra 20+lbs in the last month. While I was at the store I saw one of the doctors from the clinic, I texted my mom and told her that I approached him and asked him why I'm on this chemo.- (not really but thought it would give my mom a good laugh). I did a lot of errand running on Saturday morning and was completely out of breath and sweating like a fiend! Came home and relaxed before heading to a movie with Janna.
It was great to do something fun! I miss hanging out with my friends and I miss talking about real stuff other than Cancer, which Janna is probably the best comedic relief ever! Nothing like a little public "toot" to take your mind off things! :) Gotta love it! However, I gotta admit, I was in bed by 9:15
Sunday I felt ambitious and made a list of "to do's" for the day but sadly, didn't get any of it accomplished. I made an apple pie! Sounded good, our oven is horrible so it's pretty brown after just 20 minutes, but the effort was there! Got my laundry finished and cleaned up my mess and that makes it a good day!
Saturday night while eating dinner with Janna I noticed that I couldn't taste things quite normally. Thought it was just bland food, but still sticking today. That's hard for me because that's the best part about eating! I've tried several things, hoping it goes away, but I guess that's normal. The chemo eats at your tastebuds and sluffs them off as it does your hair. I'm probably gonna gain a lot more weight if I keep shoving everything in my mouth the way I have been in the past couple days!
Speaking of hair, I have some serious growth, lots of grays peeking out of the part of my hair, which is becoming more sparse everyday. I'd love to color it but "they say" not to as it just causes additional damage to the hair I have left and could cause it to fall out more. At this point, I think that a growth line and some grays are better than the alternative! We'll see how long that continues, I might break down and just color it!
My mom has been fashioning me some headscarves out of a pattern and some fabric I picked out. Yesterday she sent me a picture of herself wearing one of them to show me how it turned out. I don't know if there would ever be an easy circumstance to see your mom wearing a head scarf- that was hard, even for a split second to see that. Instant panic- Ativan, take me away!
Back to today, I'm feeling tired and worn out, in a shakey kind of way. I came home for lunch and Toni was here- I was feeling really crappy but I know she's having a hard time seeing me all "cancerish" so I try to tough it out when she's around.
Tonight I'm just enjoying some quiet time and relaxing. Every muscle in my body is sore, manditory massages should be part of Chemo!

Today I had another appt with the doctor to make sure I can do my chemo tomorrow. I believe his word were "outstanding" referring to my blood levels and whathaveyou. I'd never seen this guy before so he was reading my chart as he went, asking me questions. Like, Are you going to have radiation after chemo? I said that it wasn't yet decided as I've been told different things by different doctors, and he knew that because I was reading everything over his shoulder. He asked me who the debate was between and if it was between me and myself. Como what the hell are you talking about? Yeah, I said, Theresa- do you want to have radiation? Um yeah theresa, i think I should, do you? no, i think you can do without, ask me again tomorrow. Is that what he imagined was the "debate conversation?" But the thing is he was dead serious. Who is this guy?
Well, bullshit aside, I'm now growing concerned that the chemo drugs that I'm taking are not going to be effective. He again asked me why I was on these particular chemo drugs...well, when I went to medical school, this is what I found to be most effective...or maybe because that's the shit that is forced into my veins every week! Can you tell I handle stress with an abundance of sarcasm?? So I told him that the week before I began chemo, the doctor that I was seeing, becuase my awesome doctor was out of the country, said they had attended a conference about this triple negative breast cancer that I have, and that the latest clinical tests results show this was the best treatment for this type of cancer. He added that he was at the same conference and he didn't 'get that' from the information that was presented. Then he began describing the intricities of DNA and BRCA 1 and 2 and how the drugs respond to the genetic hidbbidy of the 'achilles heel' of the cancer.... (Insert blank face here)
In a nutshell, I'm a little concerned that this treatment (which was also questioned by my real doctor) that I've been doing isn't effective enough. That will be my fist question when I'm set to begin chemo again after tomorrow, unless he was able to discuss it with my doctor and change whatever they feel needs changing. umph!!!!
PS he doens't think I'm going to need a Neulasta shot next week- again! Yay! We'll see what tomorrow brings!

Breast Cancer for Idiots

yes, they make a breast cancer survival guide too. I've been reading it over the past month or so, I'm getting towards the end, the "Shock Absorbers: Finding Support" chapters. I had received a couple journals and flash drives, courtesy of my fab friends, so I could write all my thoughts and whatnot, which is what this blog turned into.
There are a lot of suggestions of 'exercises' of things to write about, so I thought I'd give it a shot and try one, nothing too serious because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Here goes...

*Describe how you felt when you were first diagnosed and compare it with how you feel now*

When I was first diagnosed, I was horrified. I thought that this news could not possibly get any worse than what I had received. I thought I would become more self-conscious and limited by not wanting to see or be with people. Before I had the lump removed, I would wake up everyday and feel it, hoping it was just a bad dream. I remember during one of the visits to the surgeon with my mom and Amy, we were discussing a mastectomy, and unknowns of making sure it was 100% gone- that they would probably never ever know for sure, which is why I'd have to have chemo. I had said to the surgeon that I would feel more comfortable at the time, havingt a mastectomy to be as close as possible to 100% sure the cancer was completely gone. My mom was surprised that I had thought about it that much, I'm not sure why but she responded right away, "you don't think about it everyday, worrying it might not be gone, do you?" And I did, I still do, but I was surprised that she was surprised by that. When I wake up now, I don't look at it or touch it, as there is still scar tissue that makes me nervous because it feels just like the lump that changed my world.

Now my thoughts have gone to "is it gone?" to "when is it going to come back?" I have a huge amount of fear that given my age and the reoccurance rate, this is far from over. I'm afraid that because I wasted time in my 20's just 'being', I'm going to miss out on things when I'm older because I'm going to be sick. I might not get to do the things I was 'saving up for' because time's a wastin! :)
My thoughts about chemo are completely different then from now. I thought Chemo was the worst thing that I could possibly go through and, (knock on wood) it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had imagined. For two weeks prior to my first chemo, I had cooked, cleaned, ran errands and such preparing to be a complete invalid for 6 months. Now, I just need to plan a few days out to make sure I have everything I need- just in case this is the one time I get sick.
There is a lot of hope, a wish to start planning things again. I'm usually a big planner, I like to know what I'm doing and when I'm going to do it. Now so many things are day to day, it's hard to plan anything- being tired is one of my biggest fears now because it's debilitating. The only thing on my calendar now are doctor's appts and chemo.
I look forward to Fall, it's my favorite season- (dreading the big 3-0 in October though). I look forward to the Holidays and wonder what I'll look like by then. Will I have hair? eyebrows? Will it be cold? On windy days now I wonder if I was wearing a hat if it would blow off...
I'm anxious to be finished with this and move on! I hope I can answer some of the questions for those unfortunate souls who blaze this path after me!

I've been trying to keep this "breast cancer related business" on this little bloggy here and I think this qualifies.
Today I went to the post office to mail a few parcels on my lunch break. There was no one parked in the spot next to me. I was standing at the back door of my car about to open the door when this old man comes around the corner to park in the spot right next to me. As he is driving into the spot, he starts honking at me. Seriously, honking at me! As I opened the door, I turned around to see what I had hoped to be a stray animal or child stranded in the empty parking spot he was about to park in, perhaps his breaks had gone out, which would give good reason to all the honking. No, no child or animal was standing behind me. I just stopped and stared at him and he was glaring back at me. So I stood there and watched him walk into the building, like a bitch because I was totally honked off. So I finished grabbing my things from my back seat, the door of which was completely opened as far as it would go, still not even near the white lines!

This is when I finally get to gripe about this in this blog...I try not to put all my other editorials in this blog because it's neither the time or the place to do that...until now.

I enter the post office and he had finished buying the one stamp that he came to buy. There was no one else in the store, but I still stood far back and continued to watch him as he gabbed with the lady at the counter, given him plenty of time to contemplate what an ass he is. He must have needed a little longer to think about it, becuase he still stood there gabbing with the lady. Then he starts asking her about all the "flair" she has on her name badge. He points out a pink ribbon and asks her why she has that and that she's too young to have to deal with something like that, she was probably in her 50's (not that anyone should have to deal with it, but that's the normal age, 29 is not)...She says that she is not a survivor, but she one time had a non-cancerous tumor removed, but that had been years ago. She also added that she had a friend's sister's cousin, twice removed, who had a teacher in grade school whose student's mom had breast cancer 30 years ago.... So the man, who I'm buring holes in the back of his head with my eyes, continues to empathize with her near-never cancer experience, soothing her with kinds words and is truely distraught by the news she had just told him, a perfect stranger. I was BITING MY TONGUE to play my cancer card with him. The cancer card that HE was handing out, he just didn't know I was a carrier of that card! Yeah, the person that he just honked at for 20 minutes for opening my car door near a parking spot that he was going to drive into, had this horrible, terrible disease and today was the day I felt good enough to go to the damn post office! I'm still super pissed at the old man which is why I really wanted to share this with everyone...you just never know what other people are dealing with when you're a jerk to them! And if you see an old man hanging around the Hamilton post office, honk at him and tell him to relax!

I was very tired all weekend, I went to bed around 8 pm on Sunday night and had already emailed the powers that be at work to tell them I wasn't planning on coming in on Monday. I had a full morning of interviews and meetings scheduled, I suppose that's just my luck. I hadn't been feeling sick or tired so I thought I was safe. I did end up taking something for upset stomach, but I'm not sure if it was that or just really tired and had been eating crap all weekend.
I don't know what it was but I was very sad on Sunday night. 'Time alone' is few and far between and sometimes when you don't feel good, everything comes to a head. I have the greatest friends and family but having cancer leaves you feeling incredibly alone. No matter who is physically sitting with you or wishing you well, it's still just me, all day everyday doing this. I think that's the hardest part is that it never leaves, it's mind consuming because everything I do revolves around it. My social life has gone to 0, which is hard either way- I want to do things to keep my mind off everything, but I get so tired that I just want to come home and sleep.
I slept till 10 am on Monday, pretty much just laid around all day with Toni.
Tuesday I woke up and something felt very wrong. I again, slept about 12 hours and felt no relief. I showered and checked my email on the computer while Kim showered. I had gotten my period a few days prior, which I thought wasn't going to happen anymore as I'm supposed to be going thru menopause. In the 15 minutes that Kim was in the shower I had leaked through a tampon and just had a feeling that something wasn't right. My cramps were horrible also. I called my doctor who after a while called me back and told me they wanted me to come down for labs to check my blood counts so I had Toni take me down there. After about 3 1/2 hours of just needing labs, of just needing to see a nurse, of just waiting for the doc to look at the labs, to the doctor wants to see you...I finally saw the doctor who told me my levels were a bit low, but nothing harmful. Also offering me a long term solution for cramps to get a birth control shot that my other doctor had already ruled out as a solution because of my blood clot problem.
At that point I figured I was ok to drug up and go back to work!

Wiped out

Spent the morning at the fair yesterday, came home and slept the day away. Very tired this weekend. Can't seem to get enough sleep. Very hot all day and night, could be those hot flashes they keep asking me if I've gotten yet. I'm supposed to be going through menopause ? WTF?
Sorry, boring entry- too tired but felt like i should get off the couch at some point today.

Feeling Good!

I had chemo again yesterday! Doing really good this morning so far. Mom asked me yesterday if I feel like I'm living on borrowed time since I haven't gotten sick yet. I really kinda do! I've been carrying my pills for nausea and vomiting since my chemo last week just in case I might need them.
I had to sit 'on death row' as I like to call it. It's a group of 8 chairs out in the middle of the chemo room that are out in the open for everyone to see your business. I really hate it! I hate sitting there and seeing all the sick people, I don't feel sick and other than the ballooning in my legs, I don't look sick! It immediately puts me on edge, I almost started crying when they told me that's where I'd be for the day. But I did see the cutest thing ever, the old old grandma sitting next to the chair I was in was leaving shortly after I got there and her husband came and helped her out of the chair and they walked out holding hands. She was bald wearing a cute little hat and it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen!
Today I'm headed to the fair with the boys! Nice and early so it's not too hot!

Again?

I have to have another chemo treatment tomorrow! I seriously, JUST was there! The weeks in between go way to fast. Pretty much because I work and sleep, on the weekend I try to fit in something social, but rarely happens. Not a lot to do or places to go.
The cancer center started doing things a little differently this week, I have my labs and see the doctor the day before my chemo. I don't really understand the logic, other than it's supposed to eliminate people coming for chemo and being sent home after hours of waiting, only because it has gotten too late in the day and they can't fit you in. But it sure doesn't cut down on the waiting time! You just wait longer, tonight I didn't get to see the doctor, yes, I said tonight, until 7:15! Holy God! Are you kidding me? We were the LAST people in the waiting room. My appt was at 4 for labs and to see the doctor at 4:20ish. I can't be mad at my doctor because I wouldn't trade him for the world!
After talking to my friend who's sister is having all sorts of medical issues that are yet to be diagnosed, I am thankful for the doctors that I have and that I was diagnosed. It wasn't a great diagnosis, but at least there's no question and experimentig with treatments, because what I have has a name. It's the small things that sometimes are huge and you take it for granted!
So in a nutshell, I've gained 20 lbs in the last month, my legs are like tree logs from swelling and I'm generally uncomfortable and hot all day long. And all my clothes are tight to boot! My white blood cell count was high tonight, probably from those damn steroids I had to start taking again. I finally got something rx for my heartburn! it's horrible, apparently when you put chemicals directly into your heart, it can cause that? And I also get to start wearing my TED hose again? Does everyone remember those? I'll enclose a picture from a couple years ago, just for old time's sake! It should help with the swelling in my legs so I don't continue to collect fluid and get a blood clot, because the chemo can cause blood clots! And I'm starting a lasix and potassium tomorrow for all the swelling. I'm a giant.
Cross your fingers tomorrow goes as smoothly as last week!

I started another round of chemo on Friday. Doc was a little concerned about my gi-ganto ankles and ended up going to the hospital after 7 hours at the cancer center to have an ultrasound on what could have been a blood clot in my leg. Turned out it wasn't, but it was. It's just an old one I had looked at in 2007, it never went away. The dr. called yesterday to say there's really nothing that can be done about it right now because it would drop my platelet count and we can't do that in the middle of chemo. I'll have to have another ultrasound in a couple months just to monitor it.
I was exhausted yesterday, left work an hour early just to come home and sleep- which I haven't done yet! I've been at work all day everyday and then some, since I started all this chemo BS. I think I've missed 6 hours of work that wasn't because I physically had to be at chemo. That was my first week, that was kinda rotten, rought start.
My hair is still thinning, but it's mostly still there! People who don't know how much hair I had to start don't notice i'm missing some! :) I got one of my most important questions answered at my dr. appt on Friday. I wasn't sure if I could drink alcohol or not- so I asked, "Can I drink alcohol while we're doing this chemo bit?" and he said "how much? and I said "how much? you tell me?" Ha ha, laugh laugh! Turns out, "I can still have some party" meaning I can have one- two drinks when I'm feeling good. As my mother is quick to remind me (apparently becuase she thinks i'm a raging alcoholic and I need to drink when I feel bad already) that if I already don't feel good, drinking is going to make it worse! I haven't had a drink, except maybe 1, in the last 3 months, I'm pretty sure the shakes are going away!
So, I have two more Fridays and then another week completely off! YAY!

I started a new round of chemo