Breast Cancer for Idiots

yes, they make a breast cancer survival guide too. I've been reading it over the past month or so, I'm getting towards the end, the "Shock Absorbers: Finding Support" chapters. I had received a couple journals and flash drives, courtesy of my fab friends, so I could write all my thoughts and whatnot, which is what this blog turned into.
There are a lot of suggestions of 'exercises' of things to write about, so I thought I'd give it a shot and try one, nothing too serious because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Here goes...

*Describe how you felt when you were first diagnosed and compare it with how you feel now*

When I was first diagnosed, I was horrified. I thought that this news could not possibly get any worse than what I had received. I thought I would become more self-conscious and limited by not wanting to see or be with people. Before I had the lump removed, I would wake up everyday and feel it, hoping it was just a bad dream. I remember during one of the visits to the surgeon with my mom and Amy, we were discussing a mastectomy, and unknowns of making sure it was 100% gone- that they would probably never ever know for sure, which is why I'd have to have chemo. I had said to the surgeon that I would feel more comfortable at the time, havingt a mastectomy to be as close as possible to 100% sure the cancer was completely gone. My mom was surprised that I had thought about it that much, I'm not sure why but she responded right away, "you don't think about it everyday, worrying it might not be gone, do you?" And I did, I still do, but I was surprised that she was surprised by that. When I wake up now, I don't look at it or touch it, as there is still scar tissue that makes me nervous because it feels just like the lump that changed my world.

Now my thoughts have gone to "is it gone?" to "when is it going to come back?" I have a huge amount of fear that given my age and the reoccurance rate, this is far from over. I'm afraid that because I wasted time in my 20's just 'being', I'm going to miss out on things when I'm older because I'm going to be sick. I might not get to do the things I was 'saving up for' because time's a wastin! :)
My thoughts about chemo are completely different then from now. I thought Chemo was the worst thing that I could possibly go through and, (knock on wood) it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had imagined. For two weeks prior to my first chemo, I had cooked, cleaned, ran errands and such preparing to be a complete invalid for 6 months. Now, I just need to plan a few days out to make sure I have everything I need- just in case this is the one time I get sick.
There is a lot of hope, a wish to start planning things again. I'm usually a big planner, I like to know what I'm doing and when I'm going to do it. Now so many things are day to day, it's hard to plan anything- being tired is one of my biggest fears now because it's debilitating. The only thing on my calendar now are doctor's appts and chemo.
I look forward to Fall, it's my favorite season- (dreading the big 3-0 in October though). I look forward to the Holidays and wonder what I'll look like by then. Will I have hair? eyebrows? Will it be cold? On windy days now I wonder if I was wearing a hat if it would blow off...
I'm anxious to be finished with this and move on! I hope I can answer some of the questions for those unfortunate souls who blaze this path after me!